Musings Of My First Two Weeks On Avenue D
Dr. Bruce Bonesworth Fairman
Several weeks ago Pete and I moved to New York City. As this is my first time living in such vast and diverse metropolis, I am discovering new things and gaining some invaluable insights. I’ve chosen to share some of them below:
As every morning brings a new day, so does it bring a host of new things for me to smell on the sidewalk of Avenue D. Used rubber gloves and soiled tissue papers, partially dried vomit and puddled urine – such a treasure trove of olfactory delights, shall I venture a taste?!
We live next to a dog park, which Pete says is great, but I’m not so sure where he gets the word “park” from. Pretty sure that place is just a toilet.
As a result of moving around a lot in my life, I have what professionals call “separation anxiety”. But what’s great about our new apartment is that it’s in the same building as other people’s apartments. And some of those apartments are literally RIGHT NEXT to ours. So when I get lonely, I just scream at the top of my lungs until one of them calls the land lord and then Pete shows up to keep me company – easy breezy!
I also bark when Pete goes into the deli to get his morning coffee and ties me to the patio railing outside. He’s under the impression that this is another bout of separation anxiety, but it’s not. I’m just yelling at the cheap bastard to buy me a goddamn bacon egg and cheese for once in his goddamn life.
People tell me I’m good looking, so I ignore them. As is the custom here.
I swear on the bitch that bore me that I am going to murder every single one of those proud goddamn squirrels in Tompkins Square Park.
I’m a nine-year-old 80lb dog and folks still occasionally confuse me for a puppy. Pete says it’s the exercise that keeps me so young looking, but we both know what it really is: cashew nuts, ‘Nilla Wafers, tinfoil and other assorted accouterments I steal off the counter top – hey, it’s for my health.
PS – Check out this sweet web vid of me raging to my favorite television theme songs